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Wednesday, November 8th, 2006
11:38 am - & she only sleeps when it's raining...
I'm washed out.

I hate college, I hate being away from home, I hate not drinking, I hate cell phone bills...
I hate my brother's new stupid fucking tattoo.

It's raining and I walked to my 9 am in flip-flops and sweatpants. I then proceeded to freeze my tits off for about an hour while professor lectured on the political impacts of AIDS before I walked back to my dorm and attempted to get something done.
Pointless and impossible. I give up.

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Monday, October 23rd, 2006
12:29 pm - clean again.
A mantra:

I went camping this weekend with Tom. He makes everything worth it.

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Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
10:19 am - i'm legally insane due to lack of sleep
Love by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two areIn love
Your meeting was byFate
He/She is yourProtector
You are his/herBest friend
Your love willStay alive

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Thursday, September 28th, 2006
9:19 pm - bored.
Everyone's going out to get smashed and I can't because I'm a fuckup.

Literally my entire wing is gone.

Tom better call soon. I'm proving that I love him.

When I could be in the back getting high.

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Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
12:25 pm - if i just lay here
His hair was too short.

And somehow, everything is fine.

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Friday, September 15th, 2006
2:52 pm - "father&son"
It's not time to make a change
Just relax, take it easy
You're still young, that's your fault
There's so much you have to know
Find a girl, settle down
If you want, you can marry
Look at me, I am old
But I'm happy

I was once like you are now
And I know that it's not easy
To be calm when you've found
Something going on
But take your time, think a lot
I think of everything you've got
For you will still be here tomorrow
But your dreams may not

How can I try to explain
When I do he turns away again
And it's always been the same
Same old story
From the moment I could talk
I was ordered to listen
Now there's a way and I know
That I have to go away
I know I have to go

It's not time to make a change
Just sit down and take it slowly
You're still young, that's your fault
There's so much you have to go through
Find a girl, settle down
If you want, you can marry
Look at me, I am old
But I'm happy

All the times that I've cried
Keeping all the things I knew inside
And it's hard, but it's harder
To ignore it
If they were right I'd agree
But it's them they know, not me
Now there's a way and I know
That i have to go away
I know I have to go

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12:31 pm - burned out
Thirsty Thursday, another burn run. This kid Brad who got the shit for us was puking out the backseat while we were pulled over in town. I have never been so paranoid. I was convinced we were going to get caught. I had a panic attack when I got back to my room and I was on the phone with Tom and he could tell I was fucked up. He told me if I ever do that again he'll tell my dad.

He told me I may as well drop out of school and stop wasting my father's money.

He said, "Babe, you're really gonna give me grey hairs with this shit."

No more weed. No more. I'm actually glad of Tom's threat - it'll keep me from doing it.

I skipped my 9 o'clock politics class and I have Psych in half an hour.

Jesus. Stop me next time.

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Friday, September 8th, 2006
10:25 am - what the fuck
I'm having such a retarded time at college.

And my brother got locked up again last Thursday morning. Two counts of retail theft. So that night I drank a fifth of 6 dollar vodka with my friend Mattie and puked all over the bathroom, the hallway, and my own dorm.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Last night Me and my roommate and about 12 other girls from my wing went to Pi Lam on Frat Row. It was lame so we met these two guys and they drove Alexis, EB, me, and a few other girls to the Bard townhouses. We drank at the Bards for a little while... keep in mind that my roommate and I shared a bottle of Captain Morgan before we even went out... oh man. So Alexis was outside smoking weed with these kids and I went to tell her that some of us were going to walk back to the dorms. Some where in here, somehow, I decide to take a hit from the kid's pipe.

I've never smoked weed before. Everyone who says you can't get high your first time is a complete liar. I think I was stoned by the time I finished coughing.

It was horrible. Then Tom called me. And it got worse.

I honestly don't know what's happening to me. I'm going home today and I'm not even going out tonight. I'm going to hang out with my father and watch TV and sleep for what will probably feel like the first time in months.

Something's going on with me and Tom that I don't like or even understand. I don't know but apparently he doesn't want to have sex anymore and I'm not supposed to take it personally. Some Freudian fuck might say that someone should have hugged me more when I was a child, but for whatever reason I equate sex with love. I know that's not always the case. You can have sex and not love someone. You can even love someone and choose not to have sex with them, for whatever reasons of your own. But how can you have sex with someone, fall in love with them, keep having sex with them, then decide you don't want to anymore?

Just break up with me, please, and end the suspense. I'm convinced he's sick of me. Maybe he's even got some girl at home. Maybe it was the pregnancy scare the other night and this retardedness will pass. But I doubt it. I think it's deeper and he's making excuses. Every time I think about it I honestly feel like I'm going to vomit. Last night I was laying (kind of floating really) in bed, drunk and blazing, and I cried. And I want to drop out of school and just forget all about Frat fucking Row and the fact that as soon as I left the Bards last night they got raided by the cops. I hate this little town and this big campus. And I fucking HATE Thirsty Thursday.

I can't wait to come home today and do absolutely nothing.

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Saturday, August 26th, 2006
8:47 pm - college.
So, I'm here and I don't know if I like it.

I think I'm too far from home. No one is answering their phone/everyone is out tonight. I'm, you know... killing loneliness alone.

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Thursday, August 17th, 2006
12:10 pm - my ear looks cute.
Yesterday I went to South Street with Tom and Steve. We had lunch, walked around, and then I impulsively decided to get my cartiledge pierced. It felt great.

Tom and I went to a barbeque/graduation party at 6:30. I was reminded once again of why I'm so happy to never have to go back to Prendie. There are only about 15 girls, and I'm being very generous, that I'm going to remember and probably miss.

After that crap, Tom and I went back to his house for another marathon of Oz. Somehow we ended up trying to have sex in his downstairs bathroom. But, I don't know man... he's too tall or my legs are too long or something. Anyway, it turned into a paranoid giggle-fest and we gave up. I had some cereal, we watched some more Oz, and I came home at 2:30 to find dog shit on my floor.

An okay night, I guess. If you leave out the uncomfortable "party", the hilariously weird sex, and the dog shit.

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Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
1:36 pm
My mother hid over 2000 dollars from the federal government in an account under my name so she wouldn't have to pay taxes on it. She decided Saturday at lunch would be a good time to explain this to me.

After I've already signed numerous papers claiming I have x number of dollars and no more than that. I am a fraud. If I'm caught, my loan will be taken away, my application for reconsideration for financial aid will be trashed, and I won't be able to attend college for more than one semester. Because I'm broke. All the money I had left from when my mom left (a big four grand) has already been sent to Shippensburg. My father is broke. My mother wouldn't lift a finger to pay my tuition if someone was holding a gun to her head.

In short, I'm dicked unless I can convince my mother to never touch that account. Hopefully the feds won't find it. You know... hopefully I won't be indicted for fraudulent activity.

I move to school in eight days. I cannot fucking wait to get out of this house and this town and this life.

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Saturday, August 5th, 2006
3:54 pm - i hate not having the internet at my house
I got my drom assignment for Shippensburg. Harley Hall (that's the all-girls dorm), first floor, room 106. My room-mate is from Maryland and her name's Elizabeth. She seems pretty cool, we've been e-mailing each other whenever I can use the internet at Tom's or my mother's or Steff's.

In two weeks and four days I have to move into college.

And Tom is standing over my shoulder right now so I guess I'll update when I can.

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Saturday, July 15th, 2006
4:13 am - well this drama is a bore
& i don't wanna play no more

I got my AP test scores. Keep in mind that the scores range from 1 to 5.
Gov & Politics: 3
English: 4



Biology: 3!!!!

A three? HAHAHAHA oh man. I nearly pissed my pants laughing. I am apparently the most talented bullshit artist who ever walked the earth.
So Ship sent me a letter informing me that I get credit for four classes. That's 12 credits.


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Monday, July 10th, 2006
8:07 pm - oh my
I saw the gyno today. It was... horrible, as predicted. I have to get blood work done to check for (hahahahahaha!) STDs. And um, she has no idea why I had four periods in the month of June, but she doesn't seem too concerned?

I'm concerned. I've always been irregular, but a near month-long period seems a little freakish to me. Seems to say, "Cyst, polyp, endometriosis!" But hey, I'm no doctor.

I seriously doubt that I have an STD, but I guess getting the check-up is the responsible thing to do, especially since I'm sleeping with Tom (whose last name is spelled "Campanile," by the way). I would feel totally dreadful if I transmitted a disease to that poor kid.


Shippensburg University is being way too dickish to even explain, so...

That's all.

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Sunday, July 9th, 2006
8:42 pm - message?
"Is this why you've worked so hard?
Is this why you've come so far?
Same place,
same hello, same goodbye,

helps you pick through beat-up insides."

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Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
3:03 pm - that johnny cash movie is on t.v.
Tom Campanelli is my boyfriend.

Get jealous ;).

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Saturday, June 10th, 2006
3:51 am - okay. last time.
It's after four in the morning and I (out of sheer boredom, I assure you) just Googled the words "foot washer wanted."

And... my search was successful?


Yes, I see. It all makes sense now. Everything just fell into place for me. World hunger... solved! Religious unrest? I'm your girl! And President Bush, well, he'll no longer be a plague, a nasty hairy pimple, on the metaphorical face of our country. I understand everything --- in that I submit to understanding absolutely nothing. Problems only exist if you acknowledge them; this is my new philosophy. Oh, "I shall not be there/ I shall pass away/ Bury my heart at Wounded Knee." I'm tired and hungry and lonely and all this is finefinefine. I'm just finefinefine. Everything is exactly as it should be. Everything has fallen gently, but with a near-miraculous clatter, an inspired cacophony, an entirely discordant chord, right into place. Right right right into place.
And now, I can finally sleep.

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3:46 am - dfjksh
Let's all please be meaningful.

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Friday, June 9th, 2006
10:39 pm - yes.
I graduated yesterday.

Since then I've been drinking and driving and now I'm at my mother's house.

I am so glad it's all over with.
But I will miss you.

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Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
4:24 pm - "THE EXODUS IS HERE..."
Today was my last day of high school classes... ever. There are some teachers that I'll miss - Lance Moore, Bill Tobin, Eileen Destefano, Alex Ely, Sister Babs. And I'll admit, there are certain things about Prendie I'm glad to have experienced. Id est, I wouldn't trade my time in Chorus or my Retreat in April for anything.

But I'm glad, so fucking glad, to be getting out of there. Prendie, the sweatbox, the fucking icebox, a school full of girls and shitty administrators, where I both wasted and made good use of four long years. The forty-five minute classes are done, AP Bio is over, the smoke breaks aren't needed anymore, the class-cutting is moot. What I'll take away from that four-year prison/refuge I can't say. Not yet, at least.

At the end of the day, I'm glad I muddled through. I'm glad I met the people that I did, even if I honestly never speak to any of them (save a very few) ever again. I don't know, I suppose it was all worth it, whatever "it" may be.

All that's left is to take finals, go to our last mass, and graduate. And then it's finally over.

So... so, I guess I'll get lame here. Real lame.
Here goes:

"For Good"

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason,
to teach us something we must learn,
and we are led to those who help us most to grow,
if we let them, and we help them in return.
Well I don't know if I believe that's true,
but I know I'm who I am today
because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit,
as it passes a sun,
like a stream that meets a boulder,
halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But, because I knew you,
I have been changed for good.

It well may be that we will never meet again
in this lifetime,
so let me say before we part,
so much of me is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me,
like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have rewritten mine be being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
by a wind off the sea,
like a seed dropped by a skybird,
in a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But, because I knew you,
I have been changed for good.

And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness,
for the things I've done you blamed me for.
But then, I guess we know there's blame to share,
and none of it seems to matter anymore.

Like a comet pulled from orbit,
as it passes a sun,
like a stream that meets a boulder,
halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better.

I do believe I have been changed for the better.

And, because I knew you,
because I knew you,
because I knew you,
I have been changed... for good.

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